I received quite a few messages after last week’s You Two Are Cute! blog post. I am used to receiving messages about how awesome my husband is, because he *is* awesome. And, since our society, as a whole, is shocked when a man is emotionally intelligent, he gets quite a bit of praise from others for his skills in the emotional intelligence department. We have a running joke in our marriage about how often he receives kudos for being a “good husband” since the expectations for males in this country are so low. Meanwhile, since I am female, the societal expectation is that I am emotionally intelligent, so I rarely receive kudos for my emotional intelligence. This uneven feedback based on gender stereotypes has happened so often throughout our marriage that it is predictable and expected at this point.
That is why it is always a bonus when I receive messages from others acknowledging what my husband and I both bring to the table and how blessed we both are. My mother-in-law and one of my close friends sent me messages of support last week with similar themes:
As my husband and I were updating our amazing therapist last week about how the house meeting went, we laughed together about how we don’t see our relationship as unique until it is repeatedly brought to our attention. Our therapist has made similar statements about our relationship to us previously, and she reiterated her perspective once again. Here is what she said to my husband:
“What makes you [my husband] unique is you believe that what your wife has to say is equally as important as what you have to say. And, lucky for you, you have a wife who is strong, speaks up, and doesn’t let things slide. The two of you have a wonderful way of learning and growing from and with each other.”
And, this is true. I am confident and can articulate my feelings effectively, and my husband values these parts of me. But, they also require him to do the work to learn and grow with me. I have been told that these characteristics and skills can be intimidating to people who don’t have them, so I am grateful that my husband works through any insecurities he has in this area and champions me being me.
This is not always the case with everyone in my life. I have been told that since I expect others to be real right alongside me, there are times when people distance themselves from me in order to not have to be real.
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I don’t always know it at the time, but I hear about it later. Me showing up and being who I am in an authentic and confident way can be a mirror for them. Unbeknownst to me, it highlights their own insecurities living inside of them. They may feel like they can’t be authentic in their own lives and are intimidated by how I move through the world.
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I have been reminded of all of this in the span of one week. Some people celebrated us. Some people projected their own insecurities onto us. What I know for sure is that I am never trying to make others feel bad about themselves, and I don’t have any control over other people’s insecurities. All I can do is continue to be my kind and loving self, and the rest will work itself out.
Brutal. Gender stereotypes. Projection.
Beautiful. Messages of support that acknowledge what my husband and I both bring to the table. A husband who champions me being me. Continuing to be my kind and loving self.
Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.
This Brutiful Life 