Discernment

Physical Health:
We had a busy week of appointments last week. We had the second appointment with my new main practitioner from the same practice as my former main practitioner. We are currently in the process of trying to help my body prepare to start the tentative treatment plan again. Many of my internal organs are struggling to function properly, and it would not be a good idea to start trying to treat the pathogens and remove the toxins while my organs are struggling to function in healthy ways. As we are taking steps to prepare my body as much as possible, my main practitioner is also determining whether or not we need to alter the tentative treatment plan. The best way I can describe it is that we are taking it really slow and being as intentional as possible. Since my body is operating at a 20% battery life, slow and steady is the only way to win this race.

As a reminder, here was the previous tentative treatment plan:

Only time will tell if we stick to this plan or if my main practitioner makes some adjustments. She has already noticed some items that were previously missed and/or have changed, and we are working on those items now.

In addition to this main appointment, we also had routine appointments for one or both of us last week for an I.V. infusion, chiropractic care, acupuncture, dental care, and therapy. Busy, busy, busy.

Emotional Health:
I am still in the middle of grieving right now. Grieving what I wish I would have been able to know sooner. Grieving what could have been different. Grieving the path we have had to take. Grieving how I was treated along the way by medical professionals, certain family members, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, strangers, etc. Grieving having so much of the responsibility on my shoulders to figure it out on my own. Grieving the fact that no one is able to completely understand what I have been through and how isolating that is at times.

Grieving will be something that is ongoing for me, and I understand the importance of the grieving process. It is important to take time to get the feelings out. It means that I am human, and I am emotionally healthy. I am not suppressing my feelings in order to make others more comfortable as our society pushes people to do.

While I am grieving, I am also grateful for so many things. First, I am grateful for my new main practitioner. So far, she has been kind, patient, and compassionate. She doesn’t make us feel rushed during our appointments, and she seems to be paying attention to the details that were previously missed. I am hopeful that this will continue to be the case.

I am also extremely grateful right now for discernment. For as long as I can remember, discernment has been a strength of mine. And, chronic illness has a way of forcing a certain level of discernment. There is not enough time or energy for bullshit when chronic illness is involved.

I am especially good at discerning who is worth overextending for and who isn’t. When life is extremely difficult, it is important to conserve energy and spend time with the people and on the things that matter the most. For example, I only have the time and energy to spend with people who make my life better and easier . . . the people who make me feel seen, understood, and valued.

(credit: unknown)

Over the last few years, one of the biggest green flags has been therapy. The people in my life who are going to therapy, have been in therapy, and/or want to go to therapy are the people who are consistently the most emotionally safe and mature.

(credit: Dr. Jen Wolkin on IG)

I have written a lot about emotional safety and maturity over the last few years in my blog posts, and it has led to some great conversations with my husband and close friends. Many of them have been exploring this topic as well. [Side Note: If you are interested in learning more, one of the most well-known experts on emotional immaturity is Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD.]

What I know for sure is that this season of life is hard in more ways than one (<waves hands all around>). While I am a proponent of getting into “good trouble” as much as my health situation allows in the outside world, I am doing a lot of waiting, hoping, and healing in my internal world.

Part of being resilient is trusting that all of the waiting, hoping, and healing will eventually be worth it. ❤️

Brutal. Grieving. Waiting.

Beautiful. My new main practitioner paying closer attention to things that were missed by previous medical practitioners. Discernment. Green flags. Therapy. Emotional safety and maturity. Hope. Healing. Resilience.

Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.