One of my uncles passed away yesterday. Even though it happened fast near the end, he was ready. He had not been well for most of the last year.
Just a little over a month ago, we had our last email exchange. He had read a few of my blog posts that were published around that time, was intrigued by the topics, and wanted to chat about them. However, he was getting ready to go on vacation for a few weeks, so he started the conversation and told me that we would continue it when he returned. When he returned from vacation, he became ill and went into the hospital. We never got to have that “to be continued” conversation.
So, I am left with his final words to me, along with his initials and his trademark use of ellipses 🙂, as he closed out his email:
I am grateful for the last few email exchanges we had. I thanked him for his response to me about some family matters, and I am glad that I took the time to thank him when I did. The last year had been really hard on him from a health perspective, and there was an unspoken, shared understanding between us in the last few months of two people who were both trying to just keep going in our individual life circumstances. We were both physically exhausted. His last email reminded me that he understood the plight and what it takes on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level to keep going.
With the loss of my uncle over the weekend, along with the devastation in Texas due to flash flooding, I have been reminding myself of what it means to support others in difficult times. From my own experience, I know that unsolicited advice and/or feedback is not usually what someone wants or needs. I don’t need to try to “fix” it, because there is no way to fix it. I simply need to be able to sit in the mud with them (even if virtually instead of in person) and hold space for their feelings.
According to @theeqschool, most people are well-intentioned, but still miss the mark in this area.
Chelsea Laliberté Barnes, a social worker and trauma therapist, posted the following words on IG over the weekend as a reminder for how to best support the families that have lost loved ones in the Texas flash floods, and I felt like her post was a good reminder for a variety of life situations:
The consensus from professionals in the field is to ask others what feels supportive to them and to not make assumptions, but the suggestions above are a good place to start. One would think that after frequently being on the receiving end of “support” that doesn’t feel supportive, I would always know what to say or do in support of others. However, I still miss the mark like everyone else, so I just keep trying, and I learn as I go. The only way to get better at supporting others in the ways that feel supportive to them is to keep trying as many times as it takes until I get it right.
What I know for sure is that losing people we love is always super painful. We should give ourselves the time and space to grieve.
I also know that every single loved one who passes on would want us to keep living our life to the best of our ability. So, I will try to remember what my uncle said, and I will do my best to keep on keeping on. I know he understands how hard I am trying to do just that.
Brutal. Losing those we love. Not always knowing how to best support others through difficult times.
Beautiful. Saying what we want to say to people while they are still alive. Continuing to build my skill set in supporting others through difficult times. Keep on keeping on.
Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.
This Brutiful Life 