Physical Health:
My husband and I had a 40-minute virtual appointment with one of my secondary medical practitioners last week. I made the appointment to catch her up on my current health status and to make a plan for the next few months (including prescriptions). I provided her with my most recent test results ahead of time, but there were quite a few results to discuss, so she reviewed some of them with us in real time. As she was moving through them, she made the following comments:
“Oh, wow!”
“Whoa!”
“Ugh. How is your energy?!? Nonexistent?”
“Oof. Are you and [main practitioner] working on _______ yet?”
In addition to these comments, this practitioner gave me two options for moving forward that were both “shit pies” according to my husband. Neither option was good. She also showed clear signs of overwhelm concerning my case. She sighed often and had a look of stress on her face throughout the appointment.
Emotional Health:
This secondary medical practitioner has a history of being very kind and helpful concerning my case, so I was caught off guard by her comments, sighs, and facial expressions during last week’s appointment. She was unusually unprofessional, and we were surprised considering our previous interactions with her. Make no mistake, I am very well aware that my test results are not the best and that my health outlook could be better. I am doing my best to maintain hope, so it would be nice if my practitioners didn’t add a sense of hopelessness because of their own inability to manage their nervous systems.
When the virtual appointment ended, I burst into tears. It took me some time to process all of her comments, facial expressions, and options for moving forward. I was feeling a sense of overwhelm due to receiving so much information and needing to make so many decisions. My husband and I were both left feeling confused and uncertain. What I know for sure is that when I feel this way, I need to take a step back and pause in order to get my feet underneath me again.
The appointment also left me with a feeling of regret. What did I miss along the way that brought me to this point? How could I have prevented this situation from happening? I know that these questions are not logical since I am not a doctor, but it is hard to be logical when regret comes into the picture.
Fortunately, my husband and I already had an appointment with our therapist scheduled for the next morning. I knew that I needed to let all of my emotions and feelings flow, so I did just that. I sobbed for a majority of the appointment while my husband held me in his arms. Our therapist is the best and always reminds me that I am really good at moving through my feelings and riding the waves of complex chronic illness. For most of the appointment, she just sat in the mud with us and reminded me that I was doing a great job of letting it all out and being authentic and interdependent.
She also reminded me that this is how grief works and not to worry about staying sad forever. I don’t have a history of staying stuck in the mud. I am allowed to sit in the mud and feel any and all feelings as needed. I am a very emotionally resilient person, and I will get out of the mud in due time.
In response, my husband and I decided to look at more houses over the weekend! There is nothing wrong with a little retail therapy. 🤣
Brutal. Unprofessional behavior from medical practitioners. Two “shit pie” options for moving forward.
Beautiful. Stepping back and pausing to get my feet underneath me again. Moving through my emotions and feelings while my husband held me in his arms. Being authentic and interdependent. Our amazing therapist. A little retail therapy.
Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.
This Brutiful Life 