There are so many things on this health journey that have required both my husband and me to grow in our abilities and skill sets as individuals and as a couple. Until a person goes through something that requires them to push themselves beyond their physical, mental, and/or emotional capacity, it is impossible to truly understand. As I have mentioned in previous posts, the part of this journey that most people don’t get is that my husband and I have to continuously work on being the best humans we can be while simultaneously trying to keep me alive. Nothing can truly prepare a person for the most difficult time of their life, so in order to continue to have a great relationship with each other through it all, we have to do the work to expand our physical, mental, and emotional capacities. None of it is easy. Our relationship is being put to the test each and every day, and so far, we are passing the test. However, we are tested often, and there is never a break. We aren’t afforded the luxury of being able to let our relationship guard down if we want to remain a couple on the other side of this difficult life event. The statistics are staggering for couples who are living alongside invisible complex chronic illnesses, and we don’t want to become a statistic. We understand the importance of doing the work and making our relationship a priority.
As anyone who has been in a healthy relationship knows, the relationship will show you the areas in which you need to grow.
A healthy relationship won’t let you run. If you want the relationship to last, you have to show up, communicate, and grow. And, not everyone is up for that kind of work. Fortunately, my husband is someone who is open, ready, and willing to do the work. He not only says that he cares about our relationship, he also puts the time, energy, and effort into maintaining a healthy relationship with me.
(credit: Alex Elle)
As we have been doing the work over the years to expand our abilities, skills sets, and capacities, I can say, without a doubt, that there aren’t two people who work harder on themselves or their relationship than we do during life’s shitstorms. If there was an award for effort, we would win that award. My husband and I never stop trying. There are times when we struggle and/or go about it the wrong way, but we are always putting forth the effort.
However, just because we are always trying doesn’t mean that success is a given. About 3 months ago, there was something that I needed from my husband that wasn’t going to be easy for him. He is the best of the best in most areas, but there was one area in specific that I needed him to work on. It was an area that many men in our society struggle with, and many women in relationship with men would accept as “just the way it is.” But, after noticing a pattern of reactions/responses from him on a topic, I needed something different from him. We discussed it on several occasions, and he understood my perspective and wanted to grow in this area for both himself and our relationship.
As a result of our discussions, I saw him dig in and do the work. I spoke in detail about what I needed and communicated my expectations clearly. Then, I waited and watched him do the work. Over the course of 3 months, he put in the time to learn about the topic, do some self-reflection, change some daily habits, and communicate about the learning and growth that was occurring inside of him. There were some hiccups along the way, but he never gave up. He knew how important this work was for him as an individual and for us as a couple, and he took it seriously. He was a student in every sense of the word, and it showed. I could see the effort in several interactions between us. However, as grateful as I was for his effort, I wasn’t yet sure if there was lasting change.
Then, last Thursday, there it was. It became obvious that our interactions on this specific topic no longer required an immense amount of effort on his part. He had changed as a person due to the growth in this area. He no longer had to think about his reactions/responses. His new reactions/responses had become as automatic and natural to him as breathing. He was already a great partner, and now he was an even better partner.
And, there I was on just a regular Thursday crying for both no reason at all and for all of the reasons. I was swimming in gratitude. I felt seen, validated, understood, and loved beyond measure.
(credit: unknown)
Over the last 20+ years, my husband and I have both worked hard to increase our emotional maturity, and the work is paying off. We are far from perfect, but we have grown in so many ways as both individuals and as a couple. When I think about what it means to be emotionally mature, I can see the growth we have achieved.
So, take this as a warning from me. If you and your partner are both committed to doing the work, you, too, could find yourself crying tears of gratitude on just a regular Thursday.
Brutal. Doing the work to be the best humans we can be while simultaneously trying to keep me alive. Crying on just a regular Thursday.
Beautiful. Doing the work to be the best humans we can be while simultaneously trying to keep me alive. Crying tears of gratitude on just a regular Thursday. Feeling seen, validated, understood, and loved beyond measure. Increasing emotional maturity.
Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.
This Brutiful Life 