This Brutiful Life

Physical Health:
We are still in Step 1 of the tentative treatment plan:

However, I was briefly in Step 2f before I went back to Step 1. As I stated in the Proximity post, my most recent test results indicate that my immune system is struggling with the current viral load, and it is making it hard for my body to fight the other pathogens and release all of the toxins. As a result, my current main doctor wants to try to skip to step 2f above before going back to step 2a. She wants to try to reduce my viral load before moving forward with the tentative treatment plan.

I won’t go into all of the details, because there are too many variables to discuss in this post. However, I tried to begin Step 2f, and my body did okay for a short time, and then it didn’t do okay. Monday night into Tuesday morning, I was in so much pain, I woke my husband up to help me. Despite all of the physical pain I regularly endure, I only wake my husband up about once a year for help, so he knew that it was not good. Chills, hot flashes, dizziness, sharp stomach pains, nausea, fatigue, etc. The difficulty with this scenario is that I have about 10 variables happening all at once, so I can’t be certain that all of these abrupt symptoms and/or side effects were caused by Step 2f treatment alone.

I was also supposed to have my first of two iron infusions yesterday morning, so I had to reschedule that. My husband worked from home in order to be able to check on me throughout the day while I rested and recovered. I immediately ran through all of my options and made a few quick decisions to try to find some relief as soon as possible. I have been in this game long enough that I am relatively good at determining what might help. By bedtime last night, I was 80% better, but the uncertainty about next steps is still very much part of my reality today. We have an appointment with my main doctor next week, and we will circle the wagons.

(credit: @wethinkdeeply on IG)


Our therapist has told me since the very beginning of our therapeutic relationship that I have more emotional resilience and am more comfortable with uncertainty than most people, and I believe that now. I literally never know what is coming at any given moment, and I can now see how amazing I am at riding the waves. It doesn’t mean that I love the uncertainty, but it does mean that I can handle what comes my way. I trust that I will be able to feel my feelings about the situation in front of me and then adapt and move forward with my support team in place.

As I was resting and recovering yesterday, I was thinking about all of the things that bring me a sense of gratitude. My husband waking up and lovingly caring for me in the middle of the night is something I don’t take for granted. My friends regularly reminding me of who I am and my purpose through all of this means more to me than they probably know. I went back and read some of the supportive messages I received last week after my Inner Peace blog post, and they were a great pick-me-up on a day that was less than stellar. Here are a few:

I have some of the best supportive people who know me well and are able to remind me of my strengths on the hard days.

The good news is that if I am going to have to go through something this difficult, there is a chance that I may come back hotter, wiser, and funnier.