Inner Peace

“I am the happiest I have ever been in my life.”

These are the words that came out of my mouth on 3 separate occasions this week when speaking to my husband, our therapist, and one of my closest friends.

I am aware that the world is on fire. There are so many terrible things happening all around this country each and every day. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t feel the heaviness of the outside world. I also know and love quite a few people who are currently dealing with multiple personal crises. In addition, this is the most challenging time of my life so far for a variety of reasons. There is so much uncertainty, and the physical symptoms I contend with on a daily basis would bring most people to their knees.

AND YET . . .

I am the happiest I have ever been in my life.

Why?

The answer is multifaceted. I am privileged in that my basic needs are met. I have food to eat and a roof over my head. We currently have the financial means to pay for my medical care (mostly not covered by insurance). I don’t fear for my safety in my own home.

I have a husband who loves me dearly. A few weeks ago, he told me that he falls even more in love with me every single day. And, I love him dearly, too. Last week, I texted him this message:

My husband and I also have some trustworthy and reliable people in our life who are incredibly supportive. The list of things I am thankful for is never ending. Even though living alongside an invisible complex chronic illness is far from easy, I truly have a great life!

I have felt immense gratitude for my life for a long time, so why do I currently feel the happiest I have ever felt? I believe the answer is inner peace. I am confident in who I am. My soul is settled. Happiness, for me, is an inside job.

Going through an ongoing shitstorm of a health situation for 20+ years is traumatic on a variety of levels, and the trauma can wreak havoc in many areas of a person’s life. However, there are glimmers that shine through the shitstorm if someone is paying attention and doing the work. And, I have been paying attention and doing the work. A few years ago, I felt like the trauma was starting to take some of the best parts of me, so I have been fighting hard to re-establish those parts of myself.

I have been committed to doing the hard work of healing from the emotional trauma that I have experienced while simultaneously still fighting the physical fight, and I noticed 4 circumstances this week alone that were clear indications of my progress. I have been told by more than a few trained professionals that most people don’t work on their emotional health while in the messy middle of fighting for their physical health, but I am not someone who sees an issue and ignores it. Being healthy in all aspects of my life has always been a priority for me, and that continues to be the case. I hold myself accountable in ways that most people don’t, and I am confident in the work I have done in this area. There is an internal sturdiness that comes from knowing that I have done the work and will continue to do so. I understand why that scares some people, but those aren’t my people.

As I was sharing my happiness this week with some of my people, I reminded them that I might not feel the same way next week. The expectation is that there will continue to be good days and difficult days. As I have stated many times, healing is not linear:

(credit: unknown)

For now, though, I am celebrating the soul work I have done and the growth that has been achieved so far as a result of that soul work. As Mike Posner recently told Oprah, “True happiness comes from growth. It comes from playing a part in the evolution of your own soul.” ❤️

Brutal. The heaviness of the outside world. The personal ongoing shitstorm of a health situation. Healing not being linear.

Beautiful. The happiest I have ever been in my life. Inner peace. Self love. Doing the emotional work while my body is still in the physical fight. Celebrating the soul work I have done and the growth that has been achieved so far as a result of that soul work. Playing a part in the evolution of my own soul.

Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.