In my everyday life, I am someone who speaks the truth. I am not afraid to (respectfully) say what needs to be said, even if it is difficult. For the emotionally mature people in my life, this is a respected and appreciated part of who I am. This type of honesty and authenticity builds trust in emotionally mature relationships.
Of course, my honesty and authenticity usually makes the emotionally immature people in my life uncomfortable. I have been labeled “difficult” by those who don’t want to hear the truth and want to keep dysfunctional behavior as the norm.
Since one of my strengths in my everyday life is being “difficult” for calling out toxic actions, it makes sense that speaking up for myself is usually relatively easy for me. Because of this, there is one part of my healing journey that I have had to revisit several times: Why did I allow some medical professionals to treat me like shit? Why didn’t I speak up more often when I knew that their words, behaviors, and actions were abusive? Would I be in a physically healthier place if I would have stood up for myself in those settings? I wish that I would have stood up for myself in quite a few instances, so I have had to work through these questions at various times on my healing journey.
About a month ago, I was watching a podcast episode where two famous women were discussing traumatic events (sexual harassment and sexual assault) in their lives and how they reacted to those traumatic events. Both were ashamed of how they reacted in the moment. They wish they had spoken up and/or spoken out about the events. They are both known for being strong, independent, take-no-shit-from-anyone type of women, and they still wished they had reacted differently in the moment.
Listening to these two women speak their truth helped me heal in a new way. I would never blame a woman who was sexually harassed and/or sexually assaulted for how they reacted in the moment. It is never the survivor’s fault in these situations. So, why do I blame myself for how I reacted in the moment to traumatic events caused by medical professionals? If I don’t blame women in these other traumatic situations, then why do I blame myself in my own traumatic situations? The blame should be directed towards the medical professionals who inflicted the harm and/or didn’t provide me the care I needed.
I understand that there are a variety of reasons for why people react the way they do to traumatic events. In the case of these two famous women, they each disclosed that the power dynamic at play was the main reason for why they reacted the way they did to the traumatic event. The people who inflicted the trauma were in positions of power, and the survivors didn’t feel like they could speak up without repercussions. My situation involving medical trauma is no different in that respect. The medical professionals who inflicted the trauma were (and still are) in positions of power. There is a power dynamic at play. They are the medical professionals, and I am the patient. I need them in order to get the medical care I need, and there would be repercussions for standing up to them. I have had to make the choice many times between getting the healthcare I need and calling out their words, behaviors, and actions. For someone like me who is usually not afraid to call out toxic behavior, these situations cause me to be out of alignment with who I am at my core, and that can bring about a certain level of shame.
Fortunately, I know that healing is gradual:
(credit: Yung Pueblo)
I have come a long way over the years in healing in this area. As one can imagine, this topic is often discussed with our therapist who specializes in chronic illness and trauma. She is an instrumental part of my healing journey in this area and frequently points out how much resilience I have in general, and especially given how much I have been through, and continue to go through, in my life both medically and personally.
(credit: @the.holistic.psychologist on IG)
Even though our therapist is an invaluable resource on many topics including trauma and power, I am someone who benefits from learning from a variety of sources and in a variety of manners. Watching two highly respected famous women discuss trauma and power from a different perspective helped me heal in a new way. This is why I believe in the power of sharing our stories, and I am grateful that these two women were willing to share their stories. ❤️
Brutal. Revisiting certain topics many times on the healing journey. The intersection of trauma and power.
Beautiful. Calling out toxic actions. Watching podcasts that are impactful. Our amazing therapist. Resilience. The power of sharing our stories.
Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.
This Brutiful Life 