This Brutiful Life

The unique way my brain works is a double-edged sword. As a refresher, here is how I recently described the Superpower of how my brain works:

I have been told that the way my brain sorts information is unique. I am someone who sorts data into patterns and can easily recall those patterns when needed. I am a former math teacher, and numbers, patterns, etc. are my jam. For example, I can remember dates, numbers, test results, and timelines in such a unique and accurate way that it can freak people out when they witness it. (My husband, oldest cousin, close friends, and therapist have all witnessed it in varying degrees.) I know immediately whether or not something makes sense on my health journey based on the patterns involved. Since most medical practitioners have never had a patient who has a brain that works in this unique way, it can be confusing for them at first. There is a difference between someone’s brain sorting data into patterns because that is simply the natural way their brain works versus someone’s brain being wired and stuck in a specific pattern due to trauma. Even though I have experienced trauma in my life, what I am referencing in this paragraph is the natural workings of my brain and not the effects of trauma. I see the unique and healthy way my brain works as a Superpower, and it is one of the reasons I am still alive today.

Yes, it is a Superpower, but as with all Superpowers, it is a double-edged sword. Not only is it one of the very reasons I am still alive today, but it also has the potential to bring about intense emotional pain due to hindsight. The sorting of data into patterns helps me know how to proceed on this health journey, but once I am able to get new or updated information, I am also able to see even more of the pattern and where I could have made different choices. Hindsight.

Because I have this Superpower that is a double-edged sword, I have to take precautions to monitor the hindsight piece of it. Hindsight is 20/20, and it can take an emotional toll on me if I allow it. If my brain didn’t work in this unique way, then hindsight wouldn’t make things seem so obvious. But, I would also probably be dead. I can’t have one part of the Superpower without the other. Therefore, the healthiest way for me to move forward on this journey is to continue to remember this oldie but goodie:

I also try to remember that I can’t miss what is meant for me:

The real interesting part about the last few weeks is that I still don’t have that much information. Hindsight provides more clarity, but it is *not* 20/20 in my case. The path is still very murky. I won’t ever truly know if different decisions would have helped my situation in any way. I have no idea if the narrative that my mind is attempting to create using hindsight is actually accurate.

The truth behind me attempting to create a narrative using hindsight is that I am grieving. I am grieving what possibly could have been if I had known more sooner. I am feeling a wide range of feelings, and to try to get around the grief, my mind is using hindsight to futilely search for clarity and certainty. And, we all know that there is no certainty in life. The key is to be comfortable with the uncertainty. In addition, the only way to get around grief is to move through it. There is no short cut.

Because I know that hindsight is not helpful for me right now, I have been utilizing my tools like a boss. I have been making sure that I am feeling my feelings, and then working extra hard to find joy. I have also been utilizing my support system to the max. I have done a great job of being clear about what I need, and my people have shown the fuck up.

I reached out to one of my lifetime friends last week, as I often do, and I told her that I needed support. I explained where I was emotionally in that moment, and she responded with a long supportive text that was exactly what I needed to hear. She is someone who has always been emotionally intelligent and mature, and she has never stopped working on her emotional growth. We all know the people in our lives who are emotionally stunted — they stopped growing in emotional maturity at a certain age and aren’t interested in doing the work to keep growing in this way. She is not one of those people. She has done the work and is someone who can sit with me in the mud without trying to “fix” it. She knows that there is no solution; there is only love and support. At the end of her message back to me, she wrote this:

So, I am continuing to rest and recharge. I am doing my best to maintain a healthy level of self-compassion. I am finding the joy in the little things. I am crying when I need to cry. I am finding the humor whenever possible. And, I am holding out hope that better days are ahead.


Brutal. Hindsight.

Beautiful. The unique and healthy way my brain works. Emotional growth and healing. Self-compassion. Emotionally safe and supportive people.


Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.