Physical Health:
Well, as usual, a lot has happened in the last few weeks.
First, I had a breast health scare, but that seems to be resolved for now.
Next, I had my annual skin check with my dermatologist to check my moles. When I was there, she checked the skin in my genital area and recommended a biopsy to make sure it was the suspected autoimmune condition and not cancer. In order to get the biopsy completed around my menstrual bleeding, she offered to complete the biopsy in between her next two appointments that same morning if my husband and I were willing to stay a few extra minutes. Since I was only there to check my moles, I was not anticipating this situation and had about 30 seconds to make a decision. I made the quick decision to go ahead and get it done that morning given all of the variables involved. The results arrived late last week and indicated that the condition is *not* autoimmune or cancer as of right now. Neither my dermatologist nor my women’s health practitioner were expecting these results. While I am extremely grateful for these results, I am also left with more unknowns.
In the week between the biopsy and the biopsy results, we had the first appointment with my new main practitioner from the same practice as my former main practitioner. The appointment was scheduled for 1 hour, but she spent 1 hour and 15 minutes with us. Due to my complex situation, she asked me to write up a 1 page summary of previous health history prior to the appointment so that we could spend most of the appointment reviewing test results and making a plan for moving forward instead of needing to spend the entire time on historical data. She was kind, compassionate, and thoughtful, and our heads were exploding by the end of the appointment due to all of the information coming at us. A majority of the information was difficult information to receive. However, there was also some hope in that this practitioner seems to be paying attention to things that were missed by previous medical practitioners.
She made it a point to tells us that the data indicates I am doing a good job of regulating my nervous system. However, the data also indicates that I am physically functioning at around a 20% battery life at all times. My body is physically exhausted from being in this situation for so long.
Emotional Health:
The last few weeks have been more difficult than usual. I have been told by a variety of trained professionals that I am responding to these events in healthy ways. I am emotionally bobbing up and down, and that is my nervous system regulating itself with each new piece of information. I have been using my tools to stay present. It would be easy to think too much about the uncertainty of the future or the “what ifs” from the past, so that is why I am doing the work to make sure I don’t get stuck in those thoughts for too long. Remembering to feel my feelings and then find joy in the present moment has helped me continue to live alongside it all. And, I try to regularly remind myself that where I am now is not where I will always be.
Due to the physical and emotional exhaustion from all of the health stuff, along with trying to work a job and live alongside it all, I made a conscious decision to rest and recharge as much as possible over the last 2 weeks in between my work commitments and all of my medical appointments. Part of that resting and recharging process has been watching the Women’s College World Series for NCAA Division I softball. I love watching softball, so this has been a welcome relief as of late.
In addition to resting and recharging, I have been utilizing my support system for extra emotional support. My husband continues to be my biggest supporter. He frequently reminds me that we are in this together, and he is not going anywhere. He has been with me every step of the way. He also has been working on staying grounded in order for us to be able to use co-regulation as a tool for our nervous systems. In addition, our amazing therapist who specializes in chronic illness and trauma has been a huge source of support. And, my other supportive people have really stepped up as well. My oldest cousin dropped everything while she was on vacation when I texted her about some of the events that were happening. I have also had many people text me to check in and others who have been praying and/or sending positive energy my way. I am grateful for all of the love!
Despite everything that is happening, I remain hopeful overall. I know from previous experience that hope is not a feeling:
I make the choice every single day to remain hopeful. As I have stated previously, I use a combination of Hope, Grace, & Courage to keep moving forward. I also use a combination of my strong sense of self, the natural way my brain works, and my spirituality to find my path forward, as explained in my How Do You Do It? post.
Speaking of spirituality, I received a variety of responses to my 2 latest posts involving spirituality. I want to briefly remind everyone that I am happy with my spiritual path, and I don’t need Unsolicited Advice or feedback on this topic. I know that our society tries to push the narrative that certain spiritual paths/faith traditions are better than others, but I don’t subscribe to that narrative. I don’t believe that one spiritual path and/or faith tradition is superior to the rest.
I also have faith in myself, and that will take me all the way home.
(credit: @case.kenny on IG)
I may not get *everything* I desire, but I am holding out hope for the best case scenario. ❤️
Brutal. A lot happening at once. So much information at once.
Beautiful. My new main practitioner paying closer attention to things that were missed by previous medical practitioners. More information. Resting and recharging. Watching the Women’s College World Series. My husband. My therapist. My support system. Hope. Spirituality. Faith in myself.
Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.
This Brutiful Life 