I am frequently asked by those closest to me how I do what I do. How do I know what to do next on my health journey? How do I make decisions given all of the uncertainty surrounding my situation? How do I continue to live my life without feeling overwhelmingly anxious? How do I keep going after experiencing psychological abuse from the medical community? How do I keep going in the face of so much judgment? How do I continue to find joy in life? The answer to all of these “How” questions is difficult to put into words, but I will do my best.
The first part of the answer has to do with having a strong sense of self. I have always walked to the beat of my own drum. I have never succumbed to peer pressure, not even as a teenager. I have always done what I feel is right for me deep in my soul regardless of what others think. I am beyond grateful that I started with a strong sense of self, because my health journey has definitely impacted my sense of self. There are times when I have lost parts of myself due to being gaslit by medical professionals and others in my life. But, even through all of the pain, abuse, and judgment, I have always, somehow, held on to the most important parts of myself. I have never needed the approval of others to do what feels right for me, and that remains true today.
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The second part of the answer has to do with the way my brain works. I have been told that the way my brain sorts information is unique. I am someone who sorts data into patterns and can easily recall those patterns when needed. I am a former math teacher, and numbers, patterns, etc. are my jam. For example, I can remember dates, numbers, test results, and timelines in such a unique and accurate way that it can freak people out when they witness it. (My husband, oldest cousin, close friends, and therapist have all witnessed it in varying degrees.) I know immediately whether or not something makes sense on my health journey based on the patterns involved. Since most medical practitioners have never had a patient who has a brain that works in this unique way, it can be confusing for them at first. There is a difference between someone’s brain sorting data into patterns because that is simply the natural way their brain works versus someone’s brain being wired and stuck in a specific pattern due to trauma. Even though I have experienced trauma in my life, what I am referencing in this paragraph is the natural workings of my brain and not the effects of trauma. I see the unique and healthy way my brain works as a Superpower, and it is one of the reasons I am still alive today.
The third part of the answer has to do with spirituality. As I wrote in my Backstory #12 post, I was very close to dying 4 years ago. I knew that if we didn’t find help soon, I was going to die. It was an internal knowing that I couldn’t explain.
Then, 3 years ago, my doctor at that time reiterated the same thing. After a few weeks of being his patient, he revealed to me that I was very close to dying when he first met me. I never told him that I knew I was dying, so I was surprised when he said it. Being his patient for 8 months challenged my spiritual beliefs more than any other time in my life. I was raised in a family that was not religious, so there was not a lot of discussion about the spiritual world. I would say that I was always a little bit more spiritual than the rest of my family of origin, but I was not raised in, nor did I follow, a specific faith tradition. This previous doctor challenged me to dig into my spiritual beliefs. He never told me exactly what to believe or pushed any specific faith tradition, but he encouraged me to do some research to determine what I believed to be true. He said the specifics didn’t matter. In the meantime, he worked on my physical health and said things to me that there was no way he could have known. He predicted what was going to happen in the future many times over. He knew what my physical body needed without much logical explanation. Each time this would happen, I would be in a state of disbelief. I had many unusual spiritual experiences right before becoming his patient and for the 8 months that I was his patient.
And, I have continued to have seemingly inexplicable spiritual experiences since being his patient. For example, I was given a free psychic reading as a gift from one of my former practitioners in January 2023, and I kept the notes from that experience. When I go back and review those notes every so often, many of the things that were said during that reading have been true since that time. Another example is that I regularly ask for and receive very specific signs from my grandparents and great-grandparents who have passed on.
These spiritual experiences, and many others, have changed me. I am still a very logical, scientific person. However, I am also a spiritual person. I have read a variety of books and listened to many podcast episodes on spiritual topics written and/or created by scientists, doctors, hospice nurses, mediums, faith leaders, etc. My spiritual beliefs are based on a variety of spiritual experiences in conjunction with a synthesis of information from many different resources, and I am always learning and growing in this area. I am a very curious person and love learning. I am okay with the understanding that not everything can be explained, and that fact is comforting to me now. I feel like I am a healthy mix of relying on both science and spirituality in my daily life. I don’t believe that science and spirituality are mutually exclusive.
So, the best answer I can currently give to the “How” questions is that I use the combination of my strong sense of self, the way my brain works, and my spirituality. I am at my best when I am able to use all 3 of these parts simultaneously instead of allowing one part to dominate my life. For me to be the healthiest version of myself and to keep moving forward on this health journey, I have to actively work at keeping all three of these parts of my life functioning as a unit. For example, if I start to overthink, then I know that the 3 parts are not working together as a unit, and I make some adjustments to get back into balance. Living this way is like a muscle that needs exercise. Building the muscle requires discipline, and some days are easier than others.
In the past couple of years, I have written about Phil Stutz in a few of my blog posts. He is a psychiatrist who is often referred to as Hollywood’s therapist. (Fun Fact: Paul, the most experienced therapist on the Apple TV+ show, Shrinking, is very loosely based on Stutz.) Jonah Hill produced and directed Netflix’s Stutz documentary in 2022. Here is the trailer:
Stutz recently published a new book, True and False Magic. In this book, Stutz writes, “In modern times, we’ve become so cognitive, we’ve forgotten our instincts and our feelings — we rely solely on our thinking.” The point of his book is that we need to use our cognitive skills, instincts, and feelings in equal measure in order to be the healthiest versions of ourselves. I agree. What he writes about in the book is similar to how I view using the combination of my strong sense of self, the way my brain works, and my spirituality. I am at my best when I am simultaneously using all three to move through life.
I am far from a life expert, but I am the expert of my own life, and this is what is currently working for me. ❤️
Brutal. Living alongside uncertainty. Being gaslit. Judgment from others.
Beautiful. My strong sense of self. The unique and natural way my brain works. My spirituality. Using all 3 parts simultaneously.
Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.
This Brutiful Life 