I Don’t Know

Apparently, I have a lot of intellectual humility given what has come out of my mouth the most over the last few weeks.

As usual, everything is confusing. Nothing has gone as planned. I have said, “I don’t know,” quite a bit over the last few weeks, and I am not sure that is going to change anytime soon. The good news, according to Adam Grant, is that I am intellectually humble. 🤣

And, the other good news, according to Adam Grant, is that I am proactive. I have been taking the initiative to learn what I don’t know for the last 20+ years, and it seems like I am going to continue to need to do that.

I am glad that I am proactive and try to acquire as much expertise from others as I can. I believe that is why I am still alive today.

However, I am also still hard on myself when things don’t go as planned or as we had hoped. One repeated experience that has been traumatic for me throughout the last 20+ years is having doctors who have big egos and then have their egos get bruised when my health situation is more difficult than they first thought. Or more difficult than they have the knowledge and expertise for. Or requires more than the minimal effort they have put into my situation. These doctors have been psychologically abusive in their interactions with me and have left me with some emotional wounds that I continue to work through on a regular basis. I now have a doctor who wants to keep trying to help, but the trauma I have experienced from previous doctors can still have an effect on me at times. When I am triggered, I know that I have more work to do in this area.

I know that healing is not linear, and I have been told by many qualified professionals, as well as people in my inner circle, that I have done a great job of healing in this area. I try to regularly remind myself that my health situation is not my fault and is largely due to the broken medical care system in this country. I shouldn’t have to make so many decisions on my own. I shouldn’t have to carry the weight of it all. It shouldn’t be this way. I work hard to remember to give myself as much compassion as I would give to others in my situation.

Last week, when I was at both my physical and emotional limit, I told my friend that I was having a bad day and working on not blaming myself. In my logical mind, I know that none of this is my fault, but it can be hard to remember in the most difficult of times. Here was her message of support back to me:

I do have some great friends! Her kind message of support was exactly what I needed in that moment to remember who I am and what I do each and every day.

And, then, another friend told me that I always find a way to make her feel loved even though I have so much on my plate right now. With tears in her eyes, she told me that she doesn’t know how I manage to make people feel so loved in the midst of my current situation, and she is grateful to have me in her life.

I have always believed that one of the positives of this entire health situation is how much I am able to empathize with others. I have always been extremely empathetic, but I am even more empathetic now than I was as a child. I know what it is like to go through a challenging situation for an extended period of time, and I know that others are also probably struggling as well.

Our amazing therapist frequently reminds me of this, too. The fact that I am still open (with emotionally safe people) and kind and loving towards others after all that I have been through is a testament to all of the work I have done to be mentally and emotionally healthy. Apparently, many people who live alongside invisible complex chronic illnesses can become bitter and closed off to the world. [Side note: Being closed off is not the same thing as having boundaries. Being closed off is unhealthy while having boundaries is healthy and important. I am open, but I also have healthy boundaries.] I have done the work to not let the darkness change who I am at my core. And, I have become a better person along the way. I am grateful that I am the type of person who chooses to grow throughout life’s challenges versus staying stagnant.

Thank goodness I am still who I am at my core. I love that girl and am so proud of her! ❤️

Today is SGB #2. Please say a prayer and/or send positive energy my way.

Brutal. Having to say “I don’t know” one million times over the last few weeks. Nothing going as planned. Being triggered from previous trauma.

Beautiful. Being intellectually humble and proactive in my learning during this health journey. Doing the work to be physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. Having compassion for myself. Having great friends who lift me up when I need it. Keeping my heart open despite the challenges of the last 20+ years. Maintaining healthy boundaries.

Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.