As our country has been celebrating its independence this week, I have been celebrating interdependence in my own life. Interdependence involves a healthy balance of self and others in relationships. [Side note: Interdependence is not the same thing as codependence.]
There are a lot of decisions I am needing to make right now concerning my health situation, and I have a serious case of “decision fatigue”. Every time the stakes increase, I put pressure on myself to make the “right” decision at every turn. I erroneously start believing that there is one perfect solution, and I know this belief is due to the pressure I often feel as I am trying to save my life.
A few years ago, my standard mode of operation would have been to handle the weight of these decisions internally on my own. I have always been an independent person and an internal processor, but the more intense my health situation became, the more I turned inward and didn’t want to be a “burden” to others. Don’t get me wrong, being an independent person is healthy to a degree, but it can become unhealthy — hyper-independence — if I am not paying attention and holding myself accountable. Hyper-independence is a trauma response I developed from traumatic events in both my childhood and my adult life. If left to my own devices, I would lean heavily towards doing and feeling everything on my own, because I can always count on myself in a way that I haven’t always been able to count on others.
I make an effort to combat this tendency towards hyper-independence by consciously seeking support from my husband, close friends, therapist, and other people in my inner circle. I am much better than I was a few years ago at asking for the support I need. Sometimes, it is as simple as asking someone to remind me that the decision I am making is the best decision I can make right now, and that I can make a different decision later if needed.
Living interdependently with others instead of being hyper-independent requires me to put myself out there and to trust others. I have to be comfortable being uncomfortable. I have to be vulnerable and authentic, even when it is inconvenient. I have to be willing to let people see all of me. In order to do that, I need to feel emotionally safe.
If I show you the messy middle of my life, will you abandon me? Or, are you an emotionally safe person who will stick around to love and support me through all of the ups and downs? Being an emotionally safe person requires a certain level of emotional maturity and a proficiency in emotional regulation, and not everyone possesses those traits or skill sets. And, in my experience, true interdependence can only happen with emotionally safe people.
I was discussing this topic with one of my closest friends a few months ago. Here is the short version of how the conversation went:
Me: It has come to my attention that some people are removing themselves from my life because they are afraid I am going to die, and that is too painful for them to witness. My health situation seems to be too much for some people.
Friend: I need you to pay close attention to what I am about to say. I will never abandon you. I hope you understand how much I love you and how much you mean to me. There is not anything that is going to happen in this situation that would cause me to remove myself from this friendship. Yes, I am scared that you are going to die. But, what is even scarier for me is the thought of you dying and me not being there to support you along the way, and then living with that regret for the rest of my life. I love you enough to face whatever pain comes my way as I support you on this journey.
As she said those words to me, we both started crying. I realized in that moment that I had never had anyone say those words to me in such a loving and definitive way. Her words are etched in my brain and have had a lasting impact on me.
Counting on others can be risky, especially now, but I know that I am the healthiest version of myself when I am taking that risk in order to live more interdependently with others. This is my reminder to you to take that risk with the people in your life who are emotionally safe. Be vulnerable and authentic. Speak the truth of your lived experience. You will likely be met with that same vulnerability and authenticity in return.
And, as you are making the effort to live more interdependently with your inner circle, remember that you are not the burden. The hard thing that you are living alongside of is the burden. Or, in the words of Kate Bowler, you are not the bad thing (click/tap on the first image and swipe through the entire gallery):
I am grateful for the people who love every bit of me and support me here in the messy middle. These people are the true gems in my life. You know who you are. Thank you for being YOU! I love you beyond words!
Brutal. Decision fatigue. Living in a state of hyper-independence.
Beautiful. Having the courage to let others see the messy middle of my life. Living more interdependently with the people in my life who are emotionally safe. The people who love every bit of me and support me no matter what.
Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.
This Brutiful Life 