“Everything happens for a reason.”
I used to say this quite a lot to myself and others, and I have had it said to me quite a lot as well. I know how I feel when it is said to me, and I have read about — and heard others speak about — how it makes them feel when they hear it, too. Even though I consider myself a spiritual person (with a smorgasbord of varying beliefs), I decided a few years ago to try to never say it again to myself or to someone else. (I even mentioned it in my blog post written last fall about Toxic Positivity.)
In the past, when people would tell me that everything happens for a reason, I would try very hard to determine the reason in order to keep it from continuing to happen. For quite a while, I blamed myself for not learning the “right” lessons and for continuing to struggle with my health. I would wear myself out trying to figure out the reasons why my health situation was happening and which lessons I was missing, so that I could learn the “right” lessons and then get myself well. As it turns out, I was not missing any lessons. I have always been, and always will be, open to learning new things and committed to personal growth. I have been learning as many lessons as possible on this journey, and I am proud of myself for it.
(credit: Dr. Jen Wolkin)
About five years ago, I read a book by Kate Bowler, Ph.D. titled Everything Happens for a Reason (And Other Lies I’ve Loved). Kate is a religious scholar, 4x New York Times bestselling author, and an award-winning podcast host for her podcast called Everything Happens. She is an associate professor at Duke University and teaches at the Duke Divinity School. In 2015, Kate was diagnosed with stage IV cancer at age 35. This is what she wrote in 2018 about the statement that everything happens for a reason:
“The only thing worse than saying this is pretending that you know the reason. I’ve had hundreds of people tell me the reason for my cancer. Because of my sin. Because of my unfaithfulness. Because God is fair. Because God is unfair. Because of my aversion to Brussels sprouts. I mean, no one is short of reasons. So if people tell you this, make sure you are there when they go through the cruelest moments of their lives, and start offering your own. When someone is drowning, the only thing worse than failing to throw them a life preserver is handing them a reason.”
Earlier today, this 1-minute video clip from Kate’s 2022 graduation speech at Macalester College popped up in my social media feed, and it was the first time I had seen it. It is a quick summary of what she believes after being declared cancer-free instead of believing that everything happens for a reason:
Kate and I share similar beliefs. I don’t believe that there are cosmic conspiracies or tragedies sent from above to teach us lessons here in the physical world. My ongoing health struggles are not being sent from above because I am failing to learn some kind of lesson. I believe that shit just happens sometimes, and in the midst of the shit that just happens (brutal), the Universe is conspiring in my favor (beautiful) in the form of love, support, guidance, helpers, etc. Life is simultaneously brutal and beautiful.
I recently saw the image below, and it was helpful for me. I now use it as a guide for what to say to others who are going through a difficult time instead of saying that everything happens for a reason.
While I regularly make mistakes when speaking with people who are going through a difficult time, at least I now have some things I could say instead of everything happens for a reason.
Brutal. Hearing that everything happens for a reason and wondering what I have done to bring about our suffering. Blaming myself for not learning the “right” lesson that will relieve us of our suffering. Regularly making mistakes when speaking to people who are going through a difficult time.
Beautiful. Knowing that I am doing everything I can to bring about optimal wellness. Learning as many lessons as possible along the way. Seeing the beautiful in the midst of the brutal. My continued commitment to learning how to be a better source of support for people who are going through a difficult time.
Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.
If you are interested in watching Kate’s Ted Talk from 2018 about this topic, here is the link:
This Brutiful Life 