This Brutiful Life

Over the last 20+ years, I have been told numerous times that I am lucky my husband has “stuck around” for all of this.

Say what now?!?

I am the first to say how grateful I am to have my husband in my life. He is literally the best person I know, and I am not exaggerating. He has the biggest heart and a strong moral compass. He is generous with his time and fiercely loyal.

So, yes, I am so very grateful to live life with him by my side. However, isn’t he lucky to have me by his side as well? I mean, we have been through a lot as a couple, and I have been right there by his side at every turn. Because my health situation is more obvious to others than the things he goes through, that makes me the lucky one? Is it just because, as a society, we have such low expectations for men? (We have all seen those videos where fathers are applauded for “babysitting” their kids at the park when what they are actually doing is being a parent to their kids.) Shouldn’t we have higher expectations for ourselves and our partners? As long as the relationship is healthy overall and doesn’t include abuse of any kind, shouldn’t we all have the general expectation that our partners will “stick around” through the difficult times?

I am relatively used to hearing how lucky I am that I have a husband who has “stuck around” for all that our life entails. In fact, it happens often enough that it has become a not-so-funny inside joke for us. Even though I generally have a healthy amount of self-worth, the comments still do wear on me at times. It is especially difficult when my body shows signs of deterioration due to chronic illness. Am I still worth someone “sticking around” when all I have left to give is my soul? If my physical and cognitive abilities are on the decline, and if our life looks drastically different than the dreams we had for it, am I still worth it? For the most part, I know that I am, but then doubt creeps in due to the number of times I have been told how lucky I am. I have to be extremely vigilant and regularly remind myself of what I bring to the table even in the face of invisible, complex chronic illness. (And, my husband does his best to regularly remind me of what I bring to the table as well.)

I am hoping what most people mean by these comments is that my husband and I are lucky to have each other. I wholeheartedly agree with this sentiment. The fact that I found someone who is brave enough to love me as tenderly and fiercely as I love him is such a gift.

It takes a huge amount of courage for my husband to keep his heart open while facing the possibility of losing me at such a young age. His fear is big, but his love is bigger. And, I am grateful beyond measure that we are living this life alongside each other.


Brutal. The days when the doubt about my worth creeps in.

Beautiful. Knowing my worth, and on the hardest days, being reminded of it. Living life alongside a husband who loves big.


Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.