This Brutiful Life

I feel like I am in Season 25 of my life instead of Season 5, but this image still seems true:

Here is the latest update . . .

Physical Health:
Here is a reminder of the tentative plan for healing and the parts that have been completed:

We suspended mold toxicity treatment about 3 weeks ago. I was having a variety of symptoms/side effects, and my body needed a break. The vaginal pain and urinary pain had returned out of nowhere, and we needed to figure out what to do next. Fortunately, I had an appointment with a new Women’s Health specialist for my Well Woman’s Exam, so the timing was good (if there is such a thing). I was expecting a normal appointment with no new information since that has been the case previously. My appointment went well for almost everything, and then this new practitioner told me some new and unexpected information.  She thinks she knows why I continue to have vaginal and urinary pain. Based on my symptoms and visual clues, she believes that I have a rare autoimmune disease where my immune system attacks the skin in my genital area. (Just to be very clear, this is not an STI.) It is a very painful condition. I now believe that I have had this condition for quite a few years, and it went undetected by my previous women’s health practitioners.

This came as a shock, because as you may recall from my Backstory posts, I have been to numerous specialists for these symptoms. We don’t know much yet, and we don’t know if my body will accept treatment options. What I do know is that what I had figured out on my own (with a close family member) a few years ago to treat this situation was actually extremely smart and helpful given that I was provided very little information about what was happening or the root cause.

As I have been researching more about this condition, I have learned that oxalates can cause flare ups. The results from one of the urine tests ordered by my main doctor (functional medicine chiropractor) last year indicated high oxalic acid in my urine. Oxalates are found in varying concentrations in food and are also byproducts of molds and probably candida (yeast). My doctor says that mold toxicity is the most common cause of high oxalates in the body. This is probably why I had a flare up when treating for mold toxicity.

My husband and I decided recently to upgrade my program with my main doctor (functional medicine chiropractor) and go back to his most expensive program option. We tried a less expensive program option with him, but we decided that the more expensive program option with more support is needed given the continued unpredictability of my health situation.

By the way, high oxalates can also cause anemia that is difficult to treat. Speaking of that, my iron levels are low again, so I have a call into my conventional doctor about the next round of IV iron infusions.


Emotional Health:
As is the case when my life is a medical rollercoaster with new and unexpected information, I had so many questions for myself and others. As I tried to make sense of everything coming at me, I went through the all-too-familiar experience of blaming myself. Which decisions did I make along the way that caused this new development? Which decisions have I made that have caused things to be worse? Why couldn’t I figure this out faster before my body was permanently damaged? I am aware that questioning and blaming myself is a trauma response due to the medical trauma (and other trauma) I have experienced over the years, and that none of this is truly my fault. I am not a medical practitioner (even though it sometimes feels like I have had to be). Sometimes, when I start to blame myself, I think about the image below. It reminds me of how good I actually am at being my own medical advocate even in the face of terrible medical care over the years.

I know that all of the questioning, replaying decisions, crying, and leaning on others for support is part of the process involved in working through the normal and healthy feelings and emotions associated with receiving new and unexpected information in the midst of chronic illness. And, even though I know this, it doesn’t make the process any easier. There is no way around the feelings except to feel them and let them move through me.

I have been trying to focus on self-compassion. I have been frequently saying the following to myself in the hopes that it will help:

I have also been reminding myself not to trust the way I see myself when my mind is turbulent. I have made so many excellent decisions that have kept me alive this long, and that is what is most important to focus on until my mind is less turbulent.

And, I think the best thing I have done lately for my emotional health is to continue to try to hold on to my joy.

I have been very consciously looking for the beauty that is all around me. I have been trying to find joy in the little things. What is the beautiful in midst of the brutal?


Brutal. New and unexpected information. The medical rollercoaster. Questioning myself. Blaming myself.

Beautiful. More information and data. Working through the normal feelings and emotions associated with chronic illness in a healthy way. Self-compassion. My loving husband.


Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life