This Brutiful Life

Glennon Doyle often talks about painful events in our life happening in 3 phases:  First the Pain, then the Waiting, then the Rising.

The Pain phase of the most recent painful event in my life started about 6 weeks ago when I became aware that this blog was likely not fulfilling its intended purpose of helping others feel less alone.  I have a hard time describing why this awareness was painful for me, but I will do my best.  For many people with chronic illness, there is a desire to find a purpose for the suffering and to help others.  When I was very close to dying 2.5 years ago, I suddenly realized that I could die before the events of my life could be used to help others.  I wasn’t sure what to do about it, because I didn’t know what to share at that time.  I had always intended to share my story when there was a “Tada” moment – a moment where I felt triumphant and could offer some helpful information to others.  Eventually, I was inspired to share my story before the “Tada” moment – during the messy middle – in the hopes that I could help others.  If someone was in the middle of something – a tough divorce, a breakup, the death of a loved one, a job loss, a health struggle, or just having one of those days – maybe knowing that someone else was also in the messy middle would help them feel less alone.  There could be a purpose for all of the suffering my husband and I were enduring.

Last year, I was receiving feedback from a few people that sharing my story through this blog was helping them and others, so I thought that I was on the right track.  I thought that I was helping others feel less alone.  Slowly, over time, that feedback dwindled to no feedback at all.  Eventually, I came to the painful realization that, regardless of my intentions, my story seemed to no longer be helping others as had been previously communicated with me.  I was confused.  When did things change?  How long had I been continuing to share my story when it was no longer helping others?  I was embarrassed that I had shared so much of my story when it didn’t seem to be helping others in any way.  I was embarrassed that I even thought my story could help others in some way.  I also started to have fewer and fewer people engage with me on a regular basis on any topic at all.  I would engage others, but there was not much reciprocity.  Not only did my story seem to no longer be helping others, it was also bringing about an increasingly high level of disconnection that I hadn’t anticipated. 

As a result of the realization and associated embarrassment, I have been feeling quite a lot of shame.  I know that the best way for me to move through shame is to share it, so I have been sharing it with those closest to me.  Those people have been holding space for me to feel the disappointment of believing that I was doing something good with this life circumstance and realizing that that may not be true.

I am currently in the Waiting phase.  (Don’t get me wrong…the Waiting phase still has quite a bit of pain.)  In the Waiting phase, I am taking time to continue to sort through the feelings.  I am doing some real soul searching to determine next steps.  I know that I definitely want to spend my time and any energy that I have, beyond keeping myself alive and functioning, in a way that uses my story to help others.  I don’t want to die before someone benefits from my story in some way.  I don’t want to waste the time I do have doing something that is not benefitting others.

Let me tell you, this Waiting phase is a real shitshow.  I have to be comfortable with the uncertainty of not knowing what is next.  Don’t I already have enough uncertainty in my life?  Why do I also have to have so much uncertainty with this as well?

Even though realizing all of this in a public fashion has been extremely embarrassing, I am simultaneously very proud of the fact that I even tried to start a blog and that I gave being “crazy vulnerable”, as one of my friends remarked, a shot.  I am proud that I thought that maybe I could help, and I gave it a try.  As my husband frequently states, “You have nothing to be embarrassed about.  This is why most people don’t even try.  I don’t see anyone else being ‘crazy vulnerable’.  You have had the courage to put yourself out there when most people don’t even step up to the plate.”

I know that this post will probably not make sense to very many people, but it is the best I’ve got right now.  After all, I am in the Waiting phase. 🤷‍♀️

I have been through enough painful events in my life to know that the Rising phase is coming.  At some point, I will know the next right thing to do.  I will know which direction to head.  I will know how I can best help others with my story.  I will know when it is time to know.  Until then, I will be Waiting.


Brutal.  Pain. Embarrassment. Shame. Uncertainty. Waiting.

Beautiful.  Courage. Crazy vulnerability. Waiting with self-compassion and patience. Anticipating the eventual Rising.


Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life:  The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life