Death

I have had two separate conversations with two close family members (besides my husband) in the last 48 hours about a topic that requires thought about the next 10-15 years, and these two close family members responded to the conversations in similar ways. These two family members are two of my favorite people, and I know how much they love me. So, when they both responded in a similar way in a 24-hour window, it made me pause and think. Here is the short version of each conversation:

Conversation #1:

Me: I am gathering data and/or asking questions to make sure I understand this topic. I understand ________, but can you give me more information about _________.

Family Member #1: Well, are you thinking 10-15 years down the road? I think the only reason _________ said ________ in the meeting is because he doesn’t think he will be alive in 10-15 years.

Me: Yes, I am thinking 10-15 years down the road. However, I also may not be alive in 10-15 years, so I have to think about short-term scenarios as well.

Family Member #1: <silence>

Conversation #2:

Me: Hi, I think there might be some errors in what was emailed to all of us, and since you are one of the family members in charge of it, I wanted to run my concerns by you and get some clarification if needed. I understand ________, ________, and ________, but I think ________ and ________ are both incorrect.

Family Member #2: Well, I don’t think you need to worry about that. You will be alive in 10-15 years, so don’t worry about that.

Me: Well, first of all, I may not be alive in 10-15 years. And, also, that wasn’t my question.

Family Member #2: <silence>

I was perplexed by both of these conversations. Both of these family members love me immensely, and both are well aware of my health situation. So, why did it seem like they both had no idea that I could be dead before 10-15 years from now? After everything I have been through, after every conversation I have had with them, and after everything I have written and disclosed in this blog, it seems like it should be a reasonable assumption that they would understand this concept by now. So, why did the conversations go this way? I don’t know the exact reason in these instances, but here are some of possible reasons based on previous experiences:

1) They don’t believe me. They think that this is all in my head, and they think that I am the picture of health.

Even though some people over the years have made it clear that they think this is all in my head, I don’t believe that these 2 family members believe that. So, let’s move on to the next possible reason.

2) Death is a topic that they are uncomfortable talking about like a large majority of the general population.

3) They are in denial. It is too difficult for them to think about the fact that I almost died 2 years ago and that I am still in the midst of it all, so it is easier and safer for them to act like it is not happening.

4) They fear that simply verbalizing the fact that I could die puts it out into the Universe, and therefore, makes it an option. They believe that doing so indicates that they are giving up on me. (Side Note: This is the one that my husband struggles with the most. He doesn’t want the Universe to think that this option is on the table. If he doesn’t say it out loud, then it can’t happen.)

5) They are viewing the topic we are conversing about from a single perspective and through a narrow lens. They haven’t yet thought about it from a different perspective or a wider lens.

I don’t think #1 is true with these two family members, but I do think that #2, #3, #4, and #5 could all be possible reasons why these conversations went the way they did.

To be clear, this blog post is not meant to be about anyone in specific. Even though it felt like the reality of my situation was being disregarded, I know that there was not any ill intent behind the conversations. I also know how much my family members love me, and I love them even more than they could imagine. I am simply using these two conversations as examples of how we, as a society, really struggle with the topic of death.

One of the most difficult parts for someone in my situation is that we have to talk about death if we are being responsible. And, we have to live in reality instead of denial. And, most people only see situations from their single perspective instead of zooming out and seeing it from multiple perspectives. Most people don’t widen the lens through which they see the world until they are in situations that provide them with the opportunity to do so. And, even with the provided opportunity, it takes someone being willing to widen their lens for the lens to actually widen.

I know that most people are doing their absolute best in this area, and at the same time, I know that we can do better. We can work to become more comfortable with the topic of death. We can learn to expand our nervous system’s capacity for experiencing painful feelings and emotions. We can learn that we can be uncomfortable and still be okay. And, we can try to widen the lens through which we see the world.

Brutal. The topic of death.

Beautiful. Viewing the world through a wider lens with each passing day. Continuing to expand my nervous system’s capacity for experiencing painful feelings and emotions. Knowing that I am loved beyond measure.

Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.