Idiosyncratic

I enjoy being alone.

I enjoy my own company.

I have always felt slightly different than others around me.

I have been told many, many times that I am an Old Soul.

In fact, my oldest cousin frequently tells me that I came out of the womb as a 40-year-old adult. I have never completely fit in with my peers. I have always thought about ideas/topics in different ways than most people I know. When I was a teenager, I never followed the crowd. I always stayed true to who I was at my core.

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For the longest time, I had a hard time describing this feeling of being slightly different than those around me. I didn’t think I was better than anyone by any means. I was just different. I never felt like “lonely” was the right word, because I (mostly) don’t feel lonely. I have a loving and supportive husband. I have family and a few close friends who love me.

In my mid-twenties, when I started having to eat differently than most people, this feeling of being different only intensified. I don’t like having all of the attention on me, and eating differently caused me to stick out like a sore thumb. And, using a mix of conventional and alternative medicine was even more controversial at that time than it is now. Having to always do things differently, which causes more attention to be placed on me, is definitely one of the hardest parts of this health journey for someone who doesn’t prefer the spotlight.

Recently, I heard this feeling being described as feeling idiosyncratic, and I immediately identified with this word choice. (By the way, I have already added idiosyncratic to my own personal “feelings vocabulary list” and have started saying that I feel idiosyncratic. 🤣) I am unique, and being unique makes it difficult for me to find my people. I can do small talk when the situation calls for it, but I would much rather have a deep discussion with someone. I am intensely curious about myself and the world around me.

I was listening to a podcast the other day, and I heard Rainn Wilson, an actor from The Office, describe himself in this way:

“I, for whatever reason, have an insatiable curiosity about figuring out why I am the way that I am, and what the hell happened to me. And, I don’t understand people that just don’t want to go there, that don’t want to dig.”

I can truly identify with this description, and I think it is one of the reasons I am still alive. I want to know what is happening with my body, mind, and spirit. I want to find the root cause(s). I want to dig as deep as is necessary to be healthy. And, when something is said to me from a medical professional that doesn’t feel right in my bones, I keep seeking until I find what does feel right in my bones. And, if that feeling changes and something no longer feels right in my bones, then I seek out the next “right” path.

My health journey is not like any other health journey I have seen. I don’t have a road map to follow. I have to frequently take paths not taken by most people. I have to be okay with judgment from others for the paths I choose to take. I have to be okay with feeling idiosyncratic. I have to be okay with blazing my own trail.

When I look back on my life so far, I have always had this in me. I have always chosen the path that is best for me regardless of what others think. Even though it would be way easier to be more like other people, it is clear that I was made to blaze my own trail.

Brutal. Always feeling different.

Beautiful. Blazing my own trail.

Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.