Even though I am already a positive person, I have been told by countless medical providers for the last 20+ years that I just need to be positive. Without truly knowing me, they have told me that I just need to change my mindset. They have implied that being positive will take care of everything! In my specific situation, there have been 2 main reasons for this:
1) The medical providers don’t know the answer, so the easiest solution is to tell me to just be positive.
2) The medical providers are uncomfortable with the very normal and healthy feelings and emotions that come with a patient who is walking alongside a chronic illness.
For a long time, I internalized these comments from medical providers. I started to believe them and thought that I wasn’t doing enough. I wasn’t being positive enough. I didn’t have the right mindset. If only I could be extra positive, then I would get better. There have been plenty of days when I have blamed myself due to this messaging from medical providers, and there are days when I still do. (See my post on Medical Gaslighting for more info.)
I know this is bullshit. I truly understand the importance of being positive, but it is not the answer to everything. Telling the patient to “just be positive” is just another way to blame the patient when there is a difficult case, and I work hard every single day to heal from what has been repeatedly said to me over the years. Most of the time, the medical providers know nothing about me or my health journey (even though they should). I am one of the most optimistic and resilient people I know. I bounce back pretty fast from letdowns. And, when I don’t bounce back pretty fast, it is okay. I am moving through my feelings in a healthy way. It is actually unhealthy to be positive all of the time.
Medical providers being uncomfortable with the range of normal and healthy feelings and emotions associated with chronic illness is a microcosm of our society as a whole. As a whole, we are very uncomfortable with painful feelings. In general, we try very hard not to feel the painful feelings, and we really appreciate it when others don’t put us in a situation to feel those painful feelings either. If everyone stays “positive” all of the time, then we can all stay safe and comfortable. Trying to make sure other people stay “positive” is actually something we do to regulate our own nervous systems. If people are real and authentic around us, and therefore, have a range of very normal and healthy feelings and emotions, it can require us to go deeper than we are prepared to go. It can take us out of our comfort zone, and it can dysregulate our nervous systems.
One of my friends and I were discussing this topic via text before she passed away this summer. I hesitated writing about our conversation, but I think she would want me to write about it in order to help others. She was one of the most positive people I knew, but it wasn’t enough to keep her alive. We discussed how toxic positivity puts the blame on the patient if the patient does not heal fast enough and/or ends up dying from the illness. In addition, if someone told her to stay positive, it indicated to her that she was not safe to be authentic around them or to be honest about the ups and downs of her journey.
As a whole, we have the best of intentions. We think that we are helping people with our positivity, but in reality, it is toxic. We are usually making it worse for them. Instead of helping them, we are keeping ourselves more comfortable and regulating our own nervous systems. What if, instead of toxic positivity, we decided to expand our nervous system’s capacity for experiencing painful feelings and emotions? What if we learned that we could be uncomfortable and still be okay? What if we learned to sit with someone in their darkest hour?
The chart below provides some examples of what not to say (left), and what could be said instead (right). I have found it helpful as I am trying to do a better job of sitting with others in their darkest hours. I often get it wrong, but one of my goals is to keep learning how to be a more consistent source of validation and support for the people I love. Click/Tap on image to make it bigger. [Side note: The last example is so important, and I may expand on that topic on a different day.]
Brutal. Toxic positivity. Medical gaslighting.
Beautiful. Healing from medical gaslighting. Continuing to expand my nervous system’s capacity to sit with others in their darkest hours. Learning how to be a more consistent source of validation and support for the people I love.
Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.
This Brutiful Life 