This Is Fine

This is fine. Everything is fine.

This image has been shared all over the internet on numerous occasions, and I love it. It makes me laugh every time I see it. I feel like our life has been like this for a while now, and unfortunately, it feels normal. However, we have high hopes that change is coming at some point. On some days, I am not sure how we remain optimistic, but somehow, we do.

This week was another week of the same: Work, doctor’s appointments, mold professionals, and therapy.

There is nothing really new to report. Our house continues to be a “special” case as far as mold is concerned. Three of the best mold professionals in our area came back to our house this week and spent the entire day looking for mold. They keep saying that there is no obvious source of mold, and our house is built well and is super clean. They also keep reiterating that we have a very healthy home environment. However, they know that I am one of those special cases that needs to be extra cautious given the health situation that I am in, so they completed more testing to determine if they could find anything. It will take a few weeks to receive the results for this round of testing.

The question remains: How good does our home environment need to be for my body to be able to heal? Each medical professional and mold expert has their own opinion on this topic. We have already had more work done on our home than would ever be required by someone with our home mold test results, so what now? It is possible that the mold mycotoxins that are in my body are solely from previous exposure to mold and not from both current and previous exposure. However, it is very important to know for sure that our home environment is healthy for me given the pathogens we are treating. My body is way more sensitive than 99.9% of the population due to what it has gone through for the last 20+ years, and my doctor wants to make sure that my recent struggles with treatment are not due to my environment. It is hard to make progress until the home environment is sufficient for my individual situation.

My main doctor seems to still be invested in my healing, and he reiterated that I am not his toughest case. He currently has about 20-30 patients like me, and he has about 20 others whose bodies are even more sensitive than mine. When he reminded me of this during our appointment this week, I cheered with excitement. Not because I am glad that others are more sensitive than me, but because I am not the most “special” case he has. It feels amazing to be “ordinary” for once. I can’t wait for the day when I am more ordinary than special.

We are hoping to try to start following the treatment plan again soon. I have been in a lot of physical pain lately from needing to temporarily postpone treatment due to toxin overload and/or MCAS. In order to try to help my body recover from the toxin overload that is caused by treatment, we have been trying a variety of different methods to increase my body’s ability to detoxify and to not react to the treatment protocols. Those methods have been largely unsuccessful in terms of preferred outcomes, so we are trying a few more methods. Then, we may try to move forward regardless. It is all up in the air at this point.

I have been in my head a lot this week. I have been using my tools to stay as grounded as possible, but it has been more challenging to stay in the present moment. There are some days when it is easy to remember that I am a Badass, and then there are other days when I struggle to remember who the hell I am. I know this is normal considering what we have been through, so self-compassion has been a priority. Some days are easier than others in this area. I am grateful for my supportive people every day, but I am especially grateful on the hardest days.

Brutal. Fire, fire everywhere.

Beautiful. Good relationships with mold professionals. A doctor who continues to be invested in my healing. My people.

Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.

(image credits: unknown or on image. Click images below to make them bigger.)