This week: 2 therapy sessions, 1 (virtual) conventional doctor’s appointment, 1 chiropractic and acupuncture appointment, 1 IV iron infusion, and lots of conversations with my husband and mold professionals about our home environment. Oh, and our actual day jobs. 🤣
Physical Health:
The appointment with the conventional doctor finally happened, and my goal was to not abandon myself during the appointment and just sweep the previous interactions with the nurse under the rug. Since the doctor is the one who asked for the appointment, I let her lead the way. I actually really like her. (If she ever started her own practice and got out from underneath the requirements of insurance and 7-minute appointments, I would consider having her become a more integral part of my medical team. From a couple of comments she made, I could see her eventually moving to a direct pay or subscription model. It is way more expensive for the patient to receive medical care in that way, but it gives doctors more options and a chance to get to know their patients on a deeper level.)
At the end of the appointment, I made sure to bring up the situation with the nurse. It was obvious that she had already been “briefed” about the situation. I gave her the basic rundown of the last few weeks from the patient’s perspective. Then, I asked her for clarification about her expectations moving forward regarding my iron situation so that this situation wouldn’t happen again. It was a productive conversation. In fact, it was such a productive conversation that I sent her a message the next day thanking her for making me feel like a person instead of just a number.
The conventional doctor put orders in for my IV iron infusions Wednesday evening, and I was able to call first thing Thursday morning to schedule my two infusions that need to occur one week apart. It must have been my lucky day, because they had a cancellation for the next day (Friday) and were able to get me on the schedule real quick for my first infusion. Not only that, but I got a spot with a window. Yay!
Home Environment:
The information gathering process has begun (continued?) for the home environment dilemma. Once again, we find ourselves being the “special” case. We are still gathering information, so not a lot of decisions have been made yet. It is going to take a while.
Emotional Health:
We have also been trying really hard to give ourselves the time and space to feel all of our feelings this week even with the chaos that is our life right now. I thought I was doing a good job of moving through my feelings. I had been crying, using my tools to release the anger, laughing, crying some more, etc. I had been in my feels all week. Then, our therapist asked me a question that revealed some areas for continued healing. The three of us were discussing some of the responses I had received after posting my most recent blog post. Here was the question she asked me at the end of the conversation:
“Who has disappointed you the most in regards to supporting you on your health journey?”
Well, shit.
I paused for a minute, and then I responded with a short list of people whose lack of support has been disappointing and hurtful. Immediately following the short list of people, I went right into a long list of seemingly valid reasons for why these people aren’t able to show up for me and for us. Because of my own suffering and life journey, I have a vast amount of knowledge and understanding around how much others are struggling and suffering in their own ways. This is such a good perspective to have for the most part. I have an immense amount of empathy and compassion for others. I generally see the best in people.
At the same time, knowledge and understanding can hinder me in some ways. Because I have a lot of knowledge and understanding around the suffering of others, and the lens through which I view the world has widened significantly through my own suffering, I can sometimes give people too much of a pass. I can sometimes use my knowledge to think my way out of feeling the emotional pain and disappointment. I know why certain people are acting the way they are acting. I know why certain people are incapable of providing the support I need. I know how deep the suffering goes for so many people. I am also aware that I only know a small amount of what others are going through, so who am I to be disappointed in how they show up (or don’t show up) in my life? We are all human and deserve the benefit of the doubt and an enormous amount of empathy and compassion.
While all of this is true, it is a very intellectual way of operating in the world, and we are more than intellectual beings. What our therapist keeps reminding me is that I can know all of these things and still have feelings about it all. I can still feel the emotional pain and disappointment even if I understand why the lack of support is happening and why others react and respond in certain ways.
What I know to be true is that something can be both a good thing and a bad thing — beautiful and brutal. The good? I have learned to adapt very quickly to letdowns, course corrections, and the constant unknowns in my life, and this has allowed me to process events in my life on a quicker timetable than most people. I can think my way through many different scenarios in a short amount of time. The bad? Skipping over some of my feelings. I need to make sure that I feel the feelings before I completely process the events and move forward. I need to not use thinking as a coping strategy for my feelings. I can process quickly, but I need to feel the feelings first. I need to check myself frequently to make sure I am processing the events in the healthiest ways possible, and this includes slowing down to feel the emotional pain and disappointment from lack of support.
Brutal. Still needing iron infusions. Still needing to gather information about our home environment after all that has been done. Unintentionally skipping over some of my feelings. The emotional pain and disappointment from lack of support.
Beautiful. Standing in my truth with the conventional doctor. Getting my first in this series of iron infusions with a window view on a sunny day. Using the previous relationships we built with mold professionals to gather more information about our home environment. Adapting to a variety of situations. Checking myself to make sure I am truly feeling all of my feelings. Our amazing therapist who has my back and who also checks me when needed.
Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.
This Brutiful Life 