My birthday was this week. I am not someone who usually has a running list of gifts that my husband can purchase for me for birthdays, holidays, or anniversaries. When my husband asks for gift ideas, I always say that I don’t want any material gifts. What I really want is to be healthy, and unfortunately, that is not something that can be wrapped up in a box. So, instead, I usually say that the best gift would be to hear from my family and friends.
So . . . This year, he did it. He asked some of my family and friends for heartfelt words that he could share with me. When I woke up on my birthday, he handed me a collection of loving messages from some of the people who mean the most to me. I cried. It was really nice to hear from people, and it was fun to see how each person interpreted the request from my husband. It was also interesting to see how many people said similar things. I think this means that I am authentic and myself around most everyone in my life, and that is something that is important to me. It was the best gift I could have received, and I am so very grateful for the people who contributed to it. (Also, there were quite a few people who included comments about enjoying my sense of humor, and I had no idea until now that anyone besides my husband thinks that I am funny. 🤣) In addition, I couldn’t be any more grateful that I have a husband who mirrors my capacity to love (see image below). I think the Universe knew that this was going to be a long and difficult road, so it brought me my husband.
The rest of my birthday was not quite as fun. Like I have mentioned, work is crazy busy. My cousin and I are working our asses off while trying to dodge my symptoms and/or the side effects of the treatment.
We also had an appointment with my main doctor on my actual birthday, because that was when he was available at the time of scheduling a few months ago. (Maybe not the birthday line up of my dreams, but if it gets me closer to good health, then I will take it.) My symptoms and side effects have gotten worse, so we are taking a detour on my healing path. We basically have to remove some of the treatment protocol to try to determine if the treatment is causing the worsening situation or if there is something else in my body that is causing the worsening situation. You may have guessed by now that I am not a fan of slowing down or detours. I want to get well and cruise through treatment as fast as possible in order to get on with life. However, my body has other ideas. I am a firm believer that slow is smooth and smooth is fast (to quote the former Principal from where I used to teach), but I also will keep going if given the option to keep going or to slow down. I am trying to slow down when needed, but it is really hard for someone like me who really, really, really wants to get well.
As my doctor stated during the appointment, I am not a “cry baby” (his words), and I put in more effort to getting well than most people. He knows that I rarely complain about the treatment, even when the pain is substantial. Because of this, he tries to pay attention when I inform him of issues. My doctor and I were both on the fence about changing the plan, because there are pros and cons to doing that. But, he went ahead and made the change, because he knows that I wouldn’t be saying it if it was only a minor issue. I asked him if he sees this often, and he said yes. He reiterated that the fact that this doesn’t happen to me all of the time is a testament to all the work I have done on my own to get my physical body as ready as possible for healing.
As I was trying to process the new temporary plan, I was doubting myself and the previous month. Did I wait too long to change course? Did I take the pain too long and cause more damage? It is very difficult for me to determine if the increase in pain and side effects are just part of the process or if they mean that we need to change course. My wonderful husband reminded me that I am a model patient and do exactly what I am asked to do by my doctors. I kept my doctor in the loop at every step, and that is all I can do. It took me a brief second to remember that I am a badass, but I remembered.
So, now we are waiting to see what happens next. Will we determine that there is something we need to treat in a different way? Will we determine that we need to keep going on the previous course? We have no idea. And, if you know me at all, you know that I love a good plan and am not super comfortable with the “having no idea” part of life. 🤣
Brutal. Health journey detours. Briefly questioning myself. Having no idea what is coming next on the health journey.
Beautiful. Heartfelt words from some of my family and friends. Having a husband who mirrors my capacity to love. Having a doctor who has seen cases similar to mine. Remembering that I am a badass.
Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.
(image credit: unknown)
This Brutiful Life 