September is National Suicide Prevention Month. I consider myself lucky to have never been in a suicidal state, but I am very aware of how someone could get to that state.
From my personal experience and perspective, I believe that we are lacking true connection to one another in this country. I think there are many reasons for this, and it is complicated, so I will focus on only one of the reasons in this post.
Most people want to be there for others, but most people also don’t know how to do that. Because it is painful for us to watch other people in pain, we try to offer solutions to get others out of their pain as quickly as possible. We want to help “solve” the problem, and we feel like that is the most helpful thing we can do for the people we care about.
When someone asks me for an update on my health situation, I usually don’t mind elaborating. As long as they have read the basics and are caught up on the blog, and I don’t have to continually repeat what is already written, I am happy to go into more detail. The tricky part is trying to determine if the other person can handle the details and really sit with me in the trenches. Will they have the skills to listen and sit with me in the pain, or will they try to offer unsolicited advice/solutions instead? When I need someone to sit with me in the trenches, and they provide advice/solutions instead, I typically feel worse after the conversation. Rather than feeling supported, I feel like the person doesn’t believe in my ability to think critically and make decisions about my own life.
I absolutely know that everyone in my life loves me and wants to be there for me, but I also know that we, as a society, have not been taught how to sit with others in the trenches. I currently have 5 people in my life (excluding our amazing therapist) who can usually sit with me in the trenches, and even these people struggle at times. They have to fight the urge to provide solutions in their attempt to take away the pain.
One tool that I try to use to determine if someone wants me to listen or wants me to problem solve is to simply ask them. I frequently ask, “What does support look like for you right now? Do you want me to listen or to help brainstorm solutions?” Way more often than not, the other person just wants me to listen. And, I consider it a gift when they trust me with their pain. I would say about 80% of the time they want me to just sit with them in the trenches and listen, and only 20% of the time do they actually want me to help brainstorm solutions.
The truth of the matter is that most problems in life do not have easy solutions. And, if the person is like me, they have already thought of every possible solution and path to follow.
What I really need in my life, and what I have found to be true for most everyone, is people who love me, care about me, can laugh with me, and who can also sit with me in the trenches.
Brutal. The societal epidemic of the lack of connection to one another.
Beautiful. People who want to listen, connect, and sit in the trenches with others. And, those who keep trying even when they don’t know how.
Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.
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This Brutiful Life 