My life is very uncertain right now in the daily life functioning aspect. I never know how I am going to feel when I wake up each morning. I never know when my treatment days are going to be, because it depends on how the last treatment day goes. It is hard to predict when I will be able to drive, do chores, spend time with loved ones, go to doctor’s appointments, and complete daily tasks. I have had to quickly come to terms with the fact that I just can’t do what I used to do. There is really no other way to say it: I am just not able to do things the way I used to do them, and it is frustrating. And, anyone who knows me knows that I like to have a schedule, and that is nearly impossible right now. I have had to accept that this is going to be good practice in going with the flow and having patience and compassion for myself.
The uncertainty of whether or not I will be be able to show up the way I am used to showing up or whether or not I will need to rely more on others and lose more of my independence is difficult to accept, but there is no way around it. I want to live life and contribute to all areas of my life, and it is a real humbling experience to not be able to do that in the same ways. I know this is another lesson in interdependence vs. independence, and I am trying to remember that my husband, family, friends, colleagues, and medical practitioners all want to help in whatever ways they can. I am not alone.
The next 6 months are going to be really busy at work, and I had to remind my boss (my cousin) and my teammates yesterday that I am not able to function at full capacity. I will not be able to contribute in the ways they are used to me being able to contribute. Will I still be able to complete those extra tasks that are not part of my job description? I honestly don’t know, but I hope I can. When I am used to completing tasks and using my brain in a certain way, and that is no longer an option, I have to focus on the basics and let everything else fall away. I am doing my best to contribute and be a good teammate, but the fatigue, headaches, and brain fog are overwhelming right now. The amount of energy I have to expend in order to try to push through the brain fog is enormous. Add in possible nausea and vomiting around treatment days, and I am loads of fun. 🤣
For the last 20+ years, I have been able to push through and still achieve many of my goals. This will be the first time I cannot just push through, and it will be frustrating and embarrassing at times. It will be obvious to those around me, and I will just have to be okay with what I can do instead. When I am feeling particularly down about it all, my husband and/or cousin tell me that my 50% is like most people’s 100%, so it will all be fine. I don’t know if that is true, but it is kind of them to say.
I keep reminding myself that I am doing my best. The only things that I am requiring of myself right now are to come as I am, do what I can, keep loving myself, and stay hopeful (see image below). Oh, and also to be kind as always. This is all anyone can really do each day, isn’t it?
I also know that my worth is not dependent on my ability to accomplish tasks or achieve goals. I am worthy of love, support, kindness, and compassion by just being me.
Brutal. Constant uncertainty in my capacity to function each day. Putting pressure on myself to function as a healthy individual.
Beautiful. Good practice in going with the flow and having patience and compassion for myself. Lessons in interdependence vs. independence. Loving myself and staying hopeful. Staying kind. Knowing that I am worthy of love, support, kindness, and compassion by just being me.
Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.
(image credit: unknown)
This Brutiful Life 