Today is proof that I am not always smiling. (If you are confused, see my previous post.)
I have been emotionally struggling for the last 24 hours.
In an effort to be as authentic and transparent as possible, here is a list of the most common thoughts/feelings/fears I have struggled with on the difficult days over the last 20+ years:
- Knowing there is permanent damage being done to my body and wondering how much worse it will get before there is resolution
- Blaming myself for not figuring all of this out
- Feeling like my doctors are not fulfilling their stated agreements
- Feeling alone in this process since no one can truly understand (being the sacrificial trailblazer)
- Letting the external voices get to me, and therefore, having doubts about the path I am on
- Wondering if I will survive this
On my worst days, all of these items come up for me. I have been dealing with this health situation long enough to know that dwelling on any of these things is going to make the situation worse.
So, I am trying to feel the feelings and release them. I am trying to be mindful about where my focus lies and which thoughts are holding my attention. I am relying on what I know to be true and trying to not listen to anything/anyone else. I am trusting that I am on my healing path.
I am trying to remember that I am not a doctor, and I should not expect myself to be one. I am making the best decisions I can to keep myself alive, and that is all I can do. I am relying on my support system. I am letting myself off the hook when I am not my best self. I am reminding myself that the permanent damage that has been done, and is still being done, to my body will be tackled together with my husband when it needs to be tackled.
I am using all of my tools. I am going on walks . . . I love walking. I am trying to remember to take one moment at a time. I am reminding myself to make the next best decision with the information that I have and release the rest. Even though it feels like I am playing Whack-A-Mole with my physical symptoms, I am actually doing an amazing job of keeping myself alive until more help arrives. I am a Badass even on the days when it is difficult to see.
And, I am crying when I need to cry. Badasses cry, too.
Brutal. The emotional struggles associated with chronic illness. The emotional struggles associated with being a sacrificial trailblazer.
Beautiful. Having tools to help on the days that are the most difficult. Giving myself a break as needed when I am not my best self. Crying. Remembering that I am a Badass. Trusting that I am on my healing path. The best teammate: My husband!
Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.
This Brutiful Life 