When someone asks me what has been the most difficult part of the last 20+ years, it is hard to pick one thing. However, I will say that medical gaslighting is definitely in my top 5 of the most difficult parts of this journey. (Do a search for “medical gaslighting” if you are unfamiliar with the phrase and want more info.)
Let me start by saying that I have had some wonderful medical practitioners along the way. I am friends with people who are medical practitioners, and they care so much about their patients. There are some really great medical practitioners out there who do not participate in medical gaslighting. I must be honest, though. The wonderful medical practitioners have been few and far between.
I think a majority of the problem has to do with the current medical model. I truly believe that most medical practitioners set out to make a difference in this world, and then once they are actually working in their profession, they realize that their hands are tied. They have so many restrictions on what they can and cannot do. To start, how can doctors possibly provide quality care when they only see patients for approximately 7 minutes?
Another reason medical gaslighting happens is because of ego. If a medical practitioner doesn’t know what is going on, then it must not be real. It is easier to tell the patient that the symptoms are not real or all in their head than to admit that they don’t know the answer. It would be wonderful if a medical practitioner admitted when they didn’t know the answer, but told the patient that they believed them, and that they were going to help the patient find the answer.
It is also well documented that women and people of color are more likely to experience medical gaslighting. So, I am sure that being a woman hasn’t helped me in the medical gaslighting department. This is one of the many reasons why I try to always have another person (mainly my husband) with me at my appointments.
The damage that has been done to me and many other patients from repeatedly being told that our symptoms are not a big deal, not real, or all in our heads is difficult to put into words. As I have previously stated, it has been traumatizing. Over the years, I have had medical practitioners dismiss my symptoms, interrupt me, laugh at me, imply that my symptoms are all in my head, blame me for my symptoms, and imply that the cause of my medical issues is mental health related. [Side note: I understand that both physical health and mental health are important parts of overall health, and that is why I have always taken my mental health very seriously. However, there are physical symptoms that are not tied to mental health.] Not being believed over and over again when I knew that something wasn’t right eroded my sense of self and had me questioning my own reality and every decision I made.
Luckily, I started with a strong sense of self, so even though I have felt like there have been times on this journey when I have lost parts of myself because of medical gaslighting, I have, somehow, been able to hold onto my core belief in myself. I keep fighting for myself. I keep trying. I keep attempting to find medical practitioners who can help. I trust my gut and don’t stop even when I don’t know what to do. There have been many times when I have had to regroup, but all that matters is that I do. I just don’t have it in me to give up . . . at least not yet. Maybe that will change one day, because I do think it is important to know when to quit. Quitting is not a weakness; it is a strength. Knowing when something is no longer the right path is so important. But, that day is not today. For now, my will to live is telling me to keep going. I am not ready to die. Our therapist doesn’t think that my personality will allow me to ever stop trying to keep myself alive. I am a natural seeker and very strong willed . . . to put it mildly.
And, one more thing. Not being believed goes way beyond just medical practitioners. There have been a couple of instances over the years when family members and/or friends have also implied that my symptoms are all in my head. And, let me tell you, the pain from that type of scenario is even worse than not being believed repeatedly by medical practitioners.
One of my kind and supportive health care practitioners texted me the other day after seeing a client who has had some similar experiences to me and said, “You are the sacrificial trailblazer that will spend the rest of your life helping these people that you can relate to like no one else. … You will be on the other side of this for that purpose.” I hope that, at some point, I will be able to use the suffering I have endured to help others who have suffered in similar ways. But, what if people don’t have to suffer like I have? What if we, as a society, can make changes for the better?
Brutal. Medical gaslighting from medical practitioners. The damage done by the medical community when it should be doing no harm. Not being believed by family members and friends. The sometimes lonely life of being a sacrificial trailblazer.
Beautiful. My strong sense of self. Kind, compassionate, helpful, and supportive medical practitioners, family members, and friends. Our amazing therapist who specializes in chronic illness and trauma. Being a sacrificial trailblazer and helping others.
Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.
(Image #1 credit: Dr. Kasey Holland Hamski, ND. She is not my doctor, but she is a reputable medical professional in the field. Image #2 credit: unknown. Click on them to make them bigger.)
This Brutiful Life 