One of the topics that is not commonly discussed, but is commonly experienced, in relation to chronic illness is lost connections. I have lost a lot of connections with friends and family over the last 20+ years. Most of this post will be about friendships, but the same concepts apply to relationships with family members. Friendships are investments in each other, and unfortunately, I have not been able to invest in many of my friendships in the ways I would have liked to invest. I haven’t felt well, and I have been in survival mode. Life with chronic illness is exhausting, and it can often leave very little time and energy to invest in anything beyond surviving. However, it doesn’t mean that I don’t miss my friends and family and don’t wish it could be different. I will do my best to discuss some aspects of this topic based on my own life circumstances.
Right out of college, my husband and I moved to a neighboring state for my first teaching job. We lived just far enough away that we didn’t see our friends and family very often. (This was also way before smart phones, social media, video calls, etc.) It is not that we didn’t want to see our people, but we were both trying to build a solid foundation for our marriage and work new jobs. My husband’s job had opposite hours as mine, so that was also a factor. I tried my best to form friendships with my new colleagues, and I found some great people. However, I only taught at that school for 1 year, so it was enough time and distance to lose some connections with previous friends while also not having enough time to build lasting connections with new friends.
The next year, we moved back across state lines, but that is also when my health situation became more obvious. In fact, I felt terrible most of the time. I was still trying to teach full-time, so I didn’t have much time to do anything besides sleep and refuel. I loved my new colleagues, but I was surviving instead of thriving. Also, I taught at this school for just long enough to make great friends, but not long enough to form lifetime friendships.
After 2 years in that job, I became a part-time substitute teacher for a year. As a substitute teacher, I was working in different buildings each day that I worked, so there was no real possibility to build a friendship community through work. I was also spending large amounts of time going to doctor’s appointments.
The next year, I began working at my alma mater. Once again, I made some great friends. However, most people my age were having kids and bonding with others who had kids around the same age. We did not have kids, and I worked in a specific teaching field that can be isolating. I was one of two teachers who taught the same subject in my building. We were kind of our own little 2-person department even though we were technically part of a larger department. While I loved most of the people in my building, I had to go home after work and sleep a lot for unknown (at the time) reasons. I also couldn’t eat or drink the same foods and drinks as others, and most social settings involve food and drink.
For the next 13 or so years, everyone around me was having kids and doing their best to thrive in the hustle culture in which we live. Most people developed friendships with the parents of their children’s friends. Meanwhile, we were busy trying to keep me healthy and live alongside an undiagnosed chronic illness. Some people made friends at church, and we didn’t go to church. At one point, we joined a church, but then it became too much to add to my plate of working full-time while trying to stay healthy. We did our very best to stay up-to-date on our friends’ lives, but it is not the same as being able to be actively involved in their lives. It is easy to understand how others may have thought that we no longer cared about our friendships with them, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth.
Then, I needed to resign from my teaching job, which was followed up by a worldwide pandemic, and there was even more isolation. We had to be extra vigilant about isolating in order to protect me from Covid-19 and other pathogens while other people had the privilege of making different choices. We knew that isolating was required to keep me alive, but we also knew the ramifications of that decision.
As an added bonus, we didn’t know how to explain to others what was happening in our lives. We didn’t even know what was happening ourselves. (And, to be honest, there has been a fair amount of judgment from others over the years when we tried to explain what we did know.) When it is difficult to explain to others what is happening, friendships have trouble flourishing. There are not enough opportunities for deep connections and reciprocity. We were just trying to survive, and that took a toll on our connections with others. We know the importance of connections for our overall health and wellness, but there was little we could do. Also, our society, as a whole, doesn’t know how to support someone with chronic illness. (See my previous post: What Does Support Look Like for You Right Now?) Most people mean well, but there is a huge gap in knowledge and skills in terms of supporting others who are going through difficult times. I still even get it wrong on many occasions, and you would think I would have a better understanding of how to provide support given my own situation.
I have done my best to try to stay as connected as possible to others, but chronic illness has limited the opportunities I have had to form and maintain deeper connections. My life is very different than the lives of most people my age. In addition, I am an introvert, so I need time alone to recharge, and I will definitely never be described as the life of the party. I prefer deeper connections with a small group of people compared to more surface-level connections with a larger group of people. I would much rather have a discussion with a friend about their hopes, dreams, and the challenges they are facing than go to a large gathering and talk about the weather outside.
There are a few people who have very intentionally stayed in contact with me throughout the years, and I am forever grateful. (You know who you are, and I love you so much!) I have also gained a lot of insight into which friendships are here for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Some friends come into your life for a short time, and those are wonderful in their own way. Then, there are other friends who stay for a lifetime, and what a blessing it is to have those types of friendships.
Brutal. Lost connections. Limited opportunities to form new and/or lasting friendships.
Beautiful. Friends who understand and keep trying. Friends who stay for a lifetime.
Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.
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This Brutiful Life 