This Brutiful Life

We have some good news! We received the Radon test results, and it showed that our Radon pump is still working like a charm. When we received the results, my husband and I were both very excited. I opened the door to the garage as he was pulling his car in after work, and I said, “We got the radon results.” He said, “I saw that. Some good news!” And, then we gave each other an air high-five. We both then laughed about our excitement over the results.

When we are excited about Radon test results, it may be obvious that we are trying to focus on the small wins.

This is the first week in a long time that we have had the opportunity to slow down. We still have in-person or virtual appointments with 3 practitioners (chiropractor, biofeedback provider, therapist) while working full-time. However, we are in a “slow week” until we have the mold professional in our house next week, and experience has shown me that slow weeks are an excellent time for unresolved emotions to come to the surface. I am using my tools to try to release the emotions, but man, it has been harder this week for sure. I am feeling the weight of the financial burden and the emotional burden on those around me. I know that I am worth every penny we spend on trying to keep me alive, but some days, it feels very overwhelming. I am trying to take one day at a time. I am also reaching out to loved ones for support and focusing on moving through the emotions.

Radical self-compassion is a huge priority right now. It is easy to think about all of the decisions I have made over the years and to use hindsight to judge them. However, when I am grounded and in the moment, I know that I have done the very best that I can with each decision I have made. Over the last few years, many practitioners have told me that I have saved my life with the decisions that I have made, so I am trying to focus on that feedback instead of using hindsight to judge myself harshly.

One of my tools during the toughest moments is to remember that the chronic illness is not me. I am me. I live alongside the chronic illness, but I am not the chronic illness. I am a kind, smart, witty, fun, insightful, trustworthy, deep, loyal, and loving person. Chronic illness cannot take those things away from me.

For extra fun this week (🤣), I have also been thinking about my husband’s health. For a very long time, I have been concerned that he is not taking care of himself in certain ways. We have discussed it on many occasions. I am very aware of how much focus has been placed on my health (out of necessity), and I worry about him. He knows that his health is a priority for me, so I know that I should not take that on, but it is hard not to take it on when you love someone. I also know that worrying about him is not going to help me heal faster, so I have to let it go.

On the most difficult days, I am even more grateful for my mental health. I am proud of myself for making my mental health a priority for so many years and for learning a variety of tools to use when life is hard. I know that everything I am feeling is part of the normal ups and downs of living alongside chronic illness, and I know that the hardest moments will pass. And, for that, I am grateful.


Brutal. Briefly forgetting that the chronic illness is the burden, not me.

Beautiful. Radon pump working like a charm. Laughing about our excitement over the radon pump results. Using my tools to move through the emotions. Relying on others for help and support. Remembering that the chronic illness is the burden, not me.


Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.