The following words were written by the best husband in the world:
Very few people are ready for chronic illness or for being the caregiver for someone with chronic illness. It’s difficult to describe how slowly everything in life changes. At first, I didn’t notice the changes occurring around me. In addition to normal adulting responsibilities, we spent a lot of time at doctor’s appointments and managing supplement protocols, but we were also still able to find some time to spend with family and friends. While life was limited in some ways, it didn’t seem all too different. Then, I woke up one day 20+ years later and realized how isolated our life had become. Not to mention a pandemic showed up on the scene and kicked everything into overdrive. We were both just trying to survive. Managing all facets of our life together became a monumental task, and in survival mode, I couldn’t really see what was going on around me.
Chronic illness in the caregiver role is difficult to adequately explain. As the caregiver, I found myself in situations I could’ve never imagined. The level of stress chronic illness added to my system is difficult to describe. I feel a constant heartache, because I watch my partner in physical and emotional pain every day. No matter how hard I try, there is literally nothing I can do to stop this pain for the person I love the very most, my best friend and soulmate. The one who knows me better than anyone. The person I have chosen to spend my life with. The only way I can describe this is that it’s like a wave of grief and sadness that washes over me constantly. It starts in my mind as confusion, then travels to my chest as intense heartache, and then reaches the pit of my stomach as helplessness.
Chronic illness can be a very wise teacher if someone is open to learning. It showed me my strengths and my weaknesses as a person and as a partner. It showed me that those things in life I used to hold value in, frankly, just don’t matter. These things were distractions that kept me from seeing what was truly important in life. I’m grateful for the lessons, but they were not easy to learn. What chronic illness showed me about myself is that I am excellent at doing, but I am not always excellent at feeling. I’m someone who can become emotionally distant in times of extremely high stress. It also showed me that I lacked self-love. After many months of therapy, personal education, and very difficult conversations, I’m grateful I’ve had this opportunity to become a better person. My wife and I are closer than we’ve ever been, and my ability to be emotionally present in the most stressful of situations has increased dramatically. I also no longer place value on things that don’t further me as an individual (self-love) or don’t further my relationship with my wife. I’m not perfect in these areas, and never will be, but I am a different person than I was 20+ years ago. While not the road I would have liked to travel to learn these lessons, I’m not sure I would have learned them any other way. I am grateful to my wife for her patience and for fostering the supportive environment in which to learn them.
I would like my wife and I to get off of this chronic illness train at some point and enjoy the many other pleasures life has to offer. Until then, I will love her in the ways she needs to be loved, support her to the very best of my ability, and continue learning so that I can be the very best version of myself.
Brutal. The pain I feel watching my partner endure pain on a daily basis.
Beautiful. The lessons I have learned through grief and heartache that have made me a better and wiser person. Being more present in my relationship and in life in general.
Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.
This Brutiful Life 