Patterns

One of my superpowers is seeing patterns. I am a highly sensitive, introverted, empath. I sense what is going on around me in ways that others don’t. I watch the way people behave (including myself), and I can very accurately predict what is going to happen next. It is one of the reasons I was a good teacher. I often knew what my students needed before they did. Those close to me have learned to believe me when I predict a future event. Obviously, I am not 100% every time, but I am accurate enough that it amazes people when they experience it a few times.

I currently work very closely with my oldest cousin, and she has learned to pay close attention when I make predictions. This was a text exchange from a few months ago about 2 predictions I sent her concerning a work situation and a personal situation:

Cousin: On another note, your timing is uncanny. I’m floored by how you always have a feeling as something is happening.

Me: It is a blessing and a curse. 🤣

So, given this strength of mine, you can imagine how it feels to not be able to figure out what is going on with me. Why can’t I figure it out? Why can’t I see the missing pattern? Of course, this is ridiculous since I don’t have any medical training, but it doesn’t change the feeling at times. As our therapist has said, this is a common feeling for people with undiagnosed chronic illness. And, it is a feeling that Emily described in her audiobook, Here I Are, as well. I know that I am not alone in this feeling.

My previous doctor used to say, “So many people in your situation would have died by now. It is because of your ability to see patterns, along with your sheer determination, that has kept you alive. You kept going, kept searching, and kept seeking answers. You followed each pattern to the next pattern, and that got you here. Don’t forget everything you have done and keep doing. You figured out a lot of this yourself. The rest is stuff you couldn’t have figured out on your own.”

Some new practitioners have also made similar comments this week.

So, today, I will try to be proud of myself. I will try not to question why I can’t figure it out. Instead, I will marvel at how much I have figured out and be gentle and kind and loving to myself. And, if I feel differently again tomorrow, I will let myself have those feelings, too. All of my feelings are normal and valid.

Brutal. Feeling like a failure for not figuring this shit out by now.

Beautiful. Figuring out enough to keep myself alive (for now).

Just another day of . . . This Brutiful Life: The Brutal & Beautiful Moments of My Life.